On Being Liked
I experienced harsh hurt when someone once told me I was not considerate of others. I was a teenager and (like, wait, can we talk about my hair looking like My So Called Life?) it was probably true.
As a matter of correction, I may have swung the pendulum too forcefully the opposite way, because to this day I generally consider myself hyper-sensitive to others to a fault. I'm always overthinking whether I'm saying the right thing to make people feel appreciated and comfortable.
For me personally, the ultimate metric is being liked. If I sense I am unanimously well-liked, I get an A+, which is fine, albeit intense. The problem is that when I'm sensing there is even one single person who has a basic distaste for me, I'm giving myself a fat F-.
Then recently I heard somebody say "every person will always be too much for at least somebody, so just be yourself."
How freeing it felt to embrace parts of me that I wrestle to tame in order to be liked. There are ugly bits: I do in fact still care about my hair, but I'm learning that if you can't take my dose of vanity, that's OK. Out-of-place bits: I am not a Greenwich lady who lunches in pearls. I am a downtown New Yorker who happens to live in Greenwich. Intense bits: I have a deep need to be as blonde as chemically possible. Strange bits: I am deeply, gravely obsessed with beauty products. But I'm also funny, nice and loving, and I take very good care of my friends.
Then recently I heard somebody say "every person will always be too much for at least somebody, so just be yourself."
Let's take Gwyneth for example. People revile her. She famously said that being an actress is harder than being a working mom, and also boasted that she loves everything that comes in hotdog buns - except for hotdogs. But, I kind of live for all her advice, especially from the early years of Goop, when it was all about re-inventing breakfast, demystifying mindfulness, and healing emotions to solve bodily pain. One article about relationships changed every aspect of the way I interact with people. Gwyneth says "I am who I am," even if that means you have to feel bad about yourself reading that she makes homemade jam, and has the patience to fold 1,000 paper cranes. The point is, I am profoundly grateful that Gwyneth just keeps on being herself, even though she's too much for lots of people.
Therefore, if at the very moment I am mid-sentence inviting a person over, they turn their back to say goodbye (it's happened), I'm going to try hard to be OK with it. I will surely be too much for somebody, but maybe there will be another who somehow benefits from (or plain enjoys) me just being me.
Xx, Mom in Mascara
